THAT MOON

I’m somewhere in the nowhere 

Came all the way from down.

I know I had found a reason

So strong and inspiring enough 

To start this journey

Leading me to this somewhere 

Which I might have lost

Somewhere between those hills and rivers.

I do not know 

Why I even started.

I am tired 

Trying to remember 

All those reasons to not give up

Nothing  is clear

Except the exhaustion .

I’ve been tired 

But this, I never felt before. 

Every inch of me has dried

But i do not want to get there. 

I know it’s just a mirage.

Darkness is getting me 

Even eyes want to rest now

I can’t feel anymore

Even an inch of my body 

Doesn’t move.

The only pain now 

Feels like I’m about to burst.

Where am I? 

I can’t do this anymore 

I just want to sleep

And to not even dream.

I just want to rest 

To the point 

Even darkness fades away.

I lost there

Finally closed my eyes

Hoping to get rest even from a dream

But then there I see 

The moon brightest of all.

Seems a lot bigger

Beautiful and calm

Luring me again 

To the peace I always seemed.

Then I see

I am still lost 

But I see the blue

Somewhere  far from me

All I want now 

I want to get there

See if its for real or a mirage.

I want to get up

Start again.

I may get tired again

I will for sure

But

I will find that moon 

So bright and shiny.

MOVING ON 


With every ounce of courage in me

I decided to forget you And live

Actually it wasn’t me 

It was your words, move on with your life.

I started forgetting your smiles 

With all the tears in me. 

I stopped talking about you 

Then I stopped talking too. 

I asked myself again and again 

Why did I have to forget you? 

Or was it why did you forget me?

I couldn’t ask you and 

My heart was unanswered. 

But I couldn’t live like this 

Helpless and unanswered like this

But even you said ,you have no answers.

How cruel could you be? 

Why couldn’t you have just said 

That you stopped loving me? 

I couldn’t hate you 

I couldn’t stop loving you 

But then I had to.

I stopped asking for you. 

I stopped myself from calling you 

And finally I decided to move on.

But the very next day

You were there 

Standing like nothing happened 

As you could hear my thoughts 

From very far away

All I could think was

Maybe You changed your mind

Maybe

You do not want me to forget you

But the very next moment 

You asked to be just friends 

And to make new memories. 

I didn’t want you as just as friend.

I couldn’t forget your warmth. 

I couldn’t forget your so called love.

And you wanted to be just friends?

Even for me, it was unacceptable. 

We stopped talking again 

We decided to never meet again. 

And finally I was forgetting you.

But here you are 

Again on my doorstep. 

With your awkward hello! 

Making me notice 

how thin you have become 

how your eyes don’t lit in your smiles 

I forgot I shouldn’t be happy in your presence.

I shouldn’t laugh and smile. 

My smiles shouldn’t be for you anymore 

But then again I smiled for you 

I laughed out my heart and forgot 

how cruel were you.

Then at the end of the day 

I cried the little amount of tears left in me 

Again you did not want anything from me 

I know I dont want anything from you too 

But i still cried

Because I have to forget you 

And in the end I have to move on from you.

CANCER AND FEAR

I had cancer in my left proximal tibia for the first time.The first time I heard the C word, I also thought I might die.But i went through all the treatment procedures. I went through that dizziness, endless tests,chemotherapy cycles,hair loss and those special attentions too and finally the cancer was removed as a limb sparing surgery. 

Once you already had cancer,you get to know a lot about cancers.You almost become specialist in the cancer which you had and not only that but also you become aware about cancer in general be it of any type.

I already knew what the pain felt like and how it was different from the one you have because of fatigue or anything. So the second time I already knew it was cancer though I did not accept at that time.

Today I will be talking about how the fear is always there once you have experienced the cancer.

1.Though you are made sure that the cancer has been removed, you are never sure if it will never appear again.After my second surgery the second being my above knee amputation I knew the cancerous cells were removed but even after that little fear is always within me that it can re-appear any time.


2.Be it a normal diarrhoea or the burning sensation you have in your stomach,for a normal (with no idea of cancer)it would just be a normal stomach ache but every time I have the burning senatio even if its because I had spicy food I will still remember that one point I read in high school on” the symptoms of cancer”.


3.Itwould have been a lot of times already that you have convinced yourself everything is fine now.But still there is a moment time and again where you find yourself hoping and praying that you never have to feel that way again.

4.Once people learn you had cancer,they will ask you if you have recovered  completely or not.You will answer that you’ve recovered completely now  but in the heart that question is answerless to you too.

So yeah, the fear is always there but I don’t think it’s only the fear.After going through such a weak phase of your life where you even thought you might die and then you survived.Now you know,nothing else can beat you .It’s always the hope and confidence that overpowers the fear and every time I come out stronger. I also know I will always have this fear but that won’t stop me from dreaming  and taking my steps forward towards that dream.

MY STORY I


 I knew something was not so right.I knew the pain  in my leg was not a normal pain but one can still hope for better, right?I was waiting for my dad to return from hospital. 

I was watching movie but even the Robert Pattinson couldn’t keep my mind to movie.I just wanted my dad to return from hospital with report of the biopsy test that I went through last Thursday.

Somewhere deep down in my heart I already had a feeling my cancer might have reappeared  because of those unbearable pains in the same part of leg where I had limb-sparing surgery last year.

For past few days,my dad had been going to hospital, he returned without reports and his only reply was that the report was not ready.

But that day when he returned he had tears in his eyes and he just remained silent.

Then after a long silence my dad said these exact words,”Doctor has said your cancer has reappeared  and the best option for now is to cut your leg.But I  want you to decide it for yourself and doctor has asked to meet him and he will explain everything in details. ”

With that he broke down in tears.I had never seen my dad cry.More than the news,the scene in front of me made me cry.But soon after news sunk and it then hit me.OMG my leg was going to be cut down.Then we both cried for whole day.

Next day in doctor’s room,doctor was saying the best option was to cut the leg so that there won’t be risk anymore.Even after saying all this he still asked me,”so what do you want to do?”

The tears I was holding could not be held anymore.At the moment I knew I had to go through amputation, I knew it more than anything but I could not bring it out in words.And finally amidst of tears I said  the only word,”ok”.

I knew my dad was more heartbroken than me and I knew my mom would be more heart broken in home hearing the news.So I decided to be stronger and accepted what needs to be done is to be done. 

So yeah I said to my dad,”It’s okay.I am not a football player so I can live my life as I used to and everything will be normal.”

So all this time though I have been telling to myself everything is normal,all I have been doing is trying to live normal. 

WARZONE IN THE DINING TABLE

Everything has turned into a warzone. You might say I am overexaggerating but tell that to the little child  hiding in the heavy big armour  of double size and with stretched leg trying to peep out through the tiny hole of that armour. Okay, I agree it’s a little over exaggeration but there is no doubt in what I am feeling right now and that is,”Nothing is simple and every war you have with yourself is nothing less than the warzone.”Since I have never been in warzone I can just say it might be like this.

I am sitting in the dining table with my family and just a small chitchat is going on which I’m obviously not listening. All this time what I have been thinking is,”would I really like being a lawyer?Is that what I want?Yeah, Yeah there is nothing wrong in being a lawyer. 

But what if till this moment of my life I’ve been saying I want to become nothing else than a doctor? What if all this time I had been announcing to the whole world that,”everyone should have aim in life,I also have mine and that is to be a doctor. “It’s not just that,what if I even spent a whole year preparing for medical entrance examination? And with around 27 days remaining for my exam,I’m dreaming how I would love to be speaking in mass , making arguments, reliving the debate tournaments of high school and how I once was best speaker of the tournament.

So here I am in war with myself. I see my two brothers chatting about the cauliflower curry my mom made for dinner today.Yesterday when I said about my idea of wanting to be lawyer and dropping the idea to be a Dr to my brother his only reply was,“Now who was the one bluffing about having aim and all?”

Yeah ,being a doctor had been my aim but if you ask me now I don’t remember why I  wanted to be a Dr .Actually I never had any reasons.I even had ideas like when the best thing for me is speaking on stage, be a leader,what would I do being a Dr ?But me being one of the top student, with may be that attitude I could never think anything else than being a doctor and after a while maybe it became a habit .BUT FOR NOW EVEN THE IDEA OF BEING A DOCTOR IS SO BIG THAT DECIDING TO DROP IT IS MAKING ME VERY CONFUSED. 

To tell the truth I never liked biology and in high School I never wanted to open the notes of it but I knew I could So yeah, I read biology and now I am preparing actually it’s I am supposed to be preparing for my entrance examination to read the same biology. 

My dad thinks his daughter is studying with all her might to ace the exam but what he doesn’t know is she hasn’t even touched books.Though he never says I know he is proud because his daughter is so sure about being a doctor. Yeah I have always been the confident kind but now in this dining table it is really suffocating  hiding all my feelings within the strong armour around me.

Do I really not want to be a doctor or is it just I’m making an excuse? I would really want to be lawyer and further studying international law.But how will I do that?Do I really want to be a lawyer? Should I wait till the exam?Do I need to prove to the world that I did not give up because I couldn’t be a doctor but I gave up because I wanted to do something else with my life?

I did not like coriander lives during my childhood days.Even it’s smell would make me throw up.I used to cry when mom used to put them in curry.But as of now I love them. See nothing is permanent. So can it not be so difficult to accept that I might’ve changed on what I wanted to do with my life?But I am fighting with the long belief within myself that I wanted to be a doctor .So I decided to think about it a little more hiding in the same armour in the same dining table.

IT FEELS LIKE I’M GOING TO EXPLODE ANY MINUTE NOW AND I AM SURE WHEN I COME OUT OF THOSE ARMOUR THERE WILL BE BIGGER EXPLOSIONS.